Hours fly by and she's still there. Still sitting there, wondering how she could even stand to stare at the facelss image she's been staring at for so long. Whats even worse, is she can't figure out who it is, even though she's staring at a mirror. This faceless image is supposed to be herself, but how can that be, when she doesn't even know who she is anymore?
How did she lose herself?
Nineteen years of living, and no recollection of who she is, or should I say, who she once was. Faint memories of happiness flash through her mind, but only the faintest image and the tiniest second, she's forced to believe its just mind games, it never once existed.
That evilness trapped inside of her, and all she prays to do is rid of it and be free. Its been so long though, that she is convinced she doesn't deserve it anymore.
She wants and needs help, yet pushes it away, because she believes its either not real, or she's too worthless to recieve it. So she shrugs it off, leaving the only impression on the kind that tried to be friendly, that she's cold.
Because she is.
She see's a friendly smile directed at her, and looks around to be sure.
Yes, its directed at her, and she begins to let her wall of cold hard metal down, and begins to feel what is so faintly familiar to her, the warmth of kindness, and friendliness, sometimes even love, and she begins to panic, and quickly puts her guard back up, but this time, adds another wall, and hears an evil laughter and a voice inside her say to her that she was a fool for even trying.
Her own voice, her own self, has turned its back on her. And yet she wonders why no one ever has faith in her.
"Why should they? When they've tried and tried and tried, and all you've done was waste their time, turn their help down, push them away, lock them out!"
"Shut up!" she screams "I have tried!"
"No darling, not hard enough, and you know why, beacuse its pointless! Even if you managed to be happy, it would only be temporary. You know you will get hurt again, and you will run behind your walls of metal and hide again! Face it, its where you belong. Where you want to be, otherwise you wouldn't have been here in the first place."
Now more than ever, she wants to break free. She's sick of being haunted, and living like she's worthless, like she's not alive.
"If living like I wasn't alive was my purpose, I would have been done and gone a long time ago. This was not my purpose, this was not who i'm meant to be, and I will not be dragged down anymore. I'm going to need and take all the help I can get, even if that means getting hurt again."
"But you've already pushed everyone away.. Your family, your boyfriend, your friends.. there's no one left, no one has faith in you to change, you can't do it on your own, you'll never survive, like I said.. You're a fool!"
"Then I'll try three times as hard, keep praying, and if I have to, I'll do it on my own, all i know is that I have warred with myself for too long, and its time that I won."
But as determind as she is... she cant help but wonder...
Will someone catch me?
Will anyone walk with me?
Will I or Can I be forgiven?
Only time can tell...
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