Hospital Waiting Rooms & Friendliness

Oh boy...  I can't wait for Summer. I miss it so much already!
Anyways..  I've been fairly sick these past couple weeks, wound up being hospitalized coughing up the goodstuff... blood. I have Bronchial Pneumonia.  Its awesome... but that is not what I wanna talk about. I wanna talk about hospital waiting rooms.  Everyone seems so friendly... or are they just being friendly to you, to try and pry into your business as to why you're there, so they can determine whether or not they need more attention then you do? When I was in the waiting room, I had so many strangers eaves drop on what my doctor was saying to me, and everyone stared as the nurse's attempted to fill five viles of blood..  they poked in five different places to try and draw blood from me, and when they finally got it, they filled one vile, and then half of the second one... and then it just stopped coming.  The nurse was baffled!! He literally looked frightened..  "I've been doing this for 20 years, and that has never happened to me before".  Even the doctor had to step in and try to get blood from me!! And everyone in the waiting room is sitting there, staring and watching, some even cracked jokes about it.  "Is she human?"
One person actually seemed genuinely concerned about me, she even wished me luck when she left. But seriously, are you being friendly to me because you're actually that friendly and care, or are you just snooping?

Love or Rebound?

How do you know if your feelings for someone are real? How do you know if you're just using this person to forget about all the hurt caused by someone you really loved at one point, or if you actually really care about this person? Maybe even love them??  And how do you know when its the right time to move on? Or when its too soon? 

And is it ok to continue on in a relationship with someone, if you're not even sure that your reasons or feelings for being in this relationship are honest... or real? 

New Meaning to 'Crazy Love'

On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright.

Then this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.

Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take that to new extremes.

But you’ll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind.

Now there's gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.

In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.

Cause you feed me fables from your hand,

With violent words and empty threats
And it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

So maybe I’m a masochist

I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.

Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

"This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face

Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction

Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry that you

pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me

Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me

Run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy

Baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me

Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the

destructive path that we’re on,
Two psychopaths
But we know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs

that we’ll have each other’s backs,
’cause we’re that lucky

Together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,

You hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’

I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count

But together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain

our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’

This house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand

square feet of it to the ground,
Ain’t shit you can do about it

With you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it"

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,

But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,

But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.

I love the way you lie.

In memory;

So the day had finally come yesterday. The day in which I can honestly tell you, I did not expect to happen for many years to come.

We put our cat to sleep yesterday..16 years. You could say "he's just a cat".. but he was much more than that to us. He was family. And i'm torn up about it.

I want to share a poem:

If it should be that I grow weak, And pain should keep me from my sleep;

Then you must do what must be done, For this last battle can’t be won.

You will be sad, I understand; 

But don’t let grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest, Your love for me must stand the test.

We’ve had so many happy years; What is to come can hold no fears.

You don’t want me to suffer so; The time has come, please let me go.

Take me where my needs they’ll tend, But please stay with me ’til the end

To hold me close and speak to me, Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time you will agree, It was a kindness done for me.

Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I am saved.

Please do not grieve that it was you,  Who had this painful thing to do.

We’ve been so close, we two, these years;

Don’t let your heart hold any tears. 

As time goes by I won't forget,

That you were my beloved pet.

You made me happy when I was sad

And just for that I'm very glad.

God took you to his home in the sky.

I miss you son but please don't cry.

Although my heart is broken in two,

One day I'll come and be with you.

I don't know when, but when I do,

I will come and cuddle you.

I think about you everyday.

My heart will never feel the same way.

Until we meet again some day,

Together forever and never apart,

You'll be forever in my heart.

Always thinking of and missing him.

<3

R.I.P

Spud

               

Past and Present

Ida Scott Taylor once wrote:

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

Well that's great for Ida. But here's something that I would like to know, what do you do when your past, will forever be a part of your present? Your past isn't just an emotional scar of your memory, but a physical one caused by someone that you trusted and loved more than anything else in the world. A physical scar that can determine how your future will turn out. And I'm not just talking about future love life. I'm talking health, and how it will shape you as a person, how you learn to trust anyone ever again... including family and dear friends who have stood by your side supporting your every decision, even if they didn't exactly agree with it or like it. And what about the person who has caused this emotional and physical scar? The person that you gave your whole heart to and ultimately betrayed you in the end.. What are you to think of that person?.. They say to forgive and forget..But can you really forgive if you cannot forget? Lewis B. Smede once said:

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

Wise words I suppose. Emotionally, that can be semi-do-able. You can be the bigger person and forgive the one who has caused this earthquake in your life. But living with this physical scar, that makes you feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, ashamed.. and just overall.. self-conscious. No matter what you try to do, whether it be, eating healthier foods, and working out, and keeping active... its never enough. I find myself at a crossroads.. There are moments in our lives when we will find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, and without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you label yourself? Will you be a coward and shut out the world and conclude that the mistakes you've made in your past define who you are as a person and will be forever? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up. If.. like me.. You are now at a crossroads, this is your opportunity to make one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Forgive your past.. and decide who are you now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make if powerfully. Because it´s only when you´re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it´s only when you´re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work, hope and faith. And beyond the heartache and fear of what life has and has yet to throw at you. So who do you choose to be?